Raw

I can still feel your hand on the back of my head, caressing my hair. I close my eyes, and feel your light, gentle touch and when I open them, you’re gone. Then, the wave of loneliness hits, bringing me to my knees, and the strength I thought I had to do this, to do life, is gone.

You held me to your chest and told me everything would be okay. You told me you loved me and I’ve never felt safer. Now you’re gone, and I have to be an adult. But I don’t how to do adulthood without you. I was fine before. I missed you, but I was fine. I’m not fine anymore. 

I want to be okay, but can I ever be fine when you’re not a phone call away? I miss you, and you not being here is fucking painful. One minute, my eyes are as dry as the Indus sands, and the next, the rains start. I’m as erratic as a monsoon, torrential and unpredictable. Everything is pouring into me, problem after problem, and the banks of my river are swelling. I crave the fire but I’m drowning in all this water. You are the boat, you’re my only chance, my only reason to live, but you’re far away now, and I don’t know what to do. If it all goes to shit, what then?